I Woke Up This Morning, Wishing I Never Did.

I woke up this morning, wishing I never did.

Going to sleep last night was bad enough already. I still can't believe it. What happened yesterday - there's no way it could possibly be true. I stared at my hands, and buried my face deep within them.

How did they... Why did he...

Arrrgggghhhh! Darn tears! Have I not had enough of you over the last 2 days?

This was unfair. Totally, utterly, and completely unfair! all these years following him, and he just... They just...

Wasn't it just 2 days ago when we were sitting at the table together enjoying a meal? All the brothers were together, and we were all having such a blast...

Come to think of it, that was a weird night too. What did he mean by "this is my body"? And why in the world would he wash our feet? We walked around quite a bit that day looking for this Passover place he specified.

Curses, Jude! What was he thinking? He was one of us! Heck, he was better than most of us! He knew the law better than any one of us! He even held our funds! Our rations! To think that I even went up to him and asked him questions when I was confused about the law...

Wait - When Rabbi said "go do it quickly" to Jude - did he...? No. No way. No freaking way.

But didn't he know? Didn't he always know? Like the time we went to get food for him while we were in Samaria? And he didn't want any? It's almost like he just wanted us to leave for awhile...

Or what about that time he called me? How'd he know to tell us to throw down our nets to that side of the boat? How did those fish get there? I left everything that day - everything. I wonder how the fishing business is going. Did Joey take over the business? Probably. What did Rabbi mean by "fishers of men" anyway?

Pete always rushed headfirst. He really needs to learn to think things through.Wait, how did Rabbi know about Pete betraying him?

... How did he know about us all betraying him?

He was supposed to save us!

What was I thinking? Johnny and I, asking about sitting at his side at the throne and stuff? What do we have now?

Darned tears. Darn you! I'm so ashamed. So very ashamed. Forgive me, Rabbi. I'm a useless disciple. One of his "main three"?

A coward. That's what I am.

Pete's probably still out somewhere crying. I think we all are.

It's Sabbath, huh? That's probably a good thing. I'm not leaving this bed. Not today. Not going to work. Like it makes a difference. Left it for too long already.

I'm confused. So confused. So very confused.

Wish you were... Still here... Jesus.

What Kind of A...

What kind of a world is it, when JUSTICE is not served, where someone can commit a CRIME, know they did wrong, and escape any form of PUNISHMENT simply because they say that they "weren't aware" that such a LAW existed?

A broken world.


Discipline. Respect and discipline. It's what we need.

Or love. Maybe what we need is love.


Lots of it.



On a side note, Salam Aidiladha to my Muslim friends. May the sacrifice be ever meaningful, and may the understanding of God's being be ever clearer.


His,
MALCOLM

Super Power

Sometimes,

...

I wish I have the ability to teleport to those in despair and give them a hug.

Just so that when they feel that the world may be against them, The Lord is not. And that there are His people who care.

Yeah! That'd be pretty awesome!

(Changing default answer for the question of "if you had one super-power, what would it be?")

His,

MALCOLM

Change

People fear it,

But they want it.

We see it,

Yet we don't want to ask about it.

We hate it,

Yet we know we need it.

We don't want it,

But sometimes, we know we need it.

When it hits,

We want the past to return.

When it doesn't,

We ask for it to come.

Change?

We need it.

Ready, change?

Here I come.

I Do Not Like Your Christians!

Came across this quote on *cough* 9gag the other day - And I am *cough* not *cough* in any way or deed addicted *cough* to 9gag... (Okay maybe a little bit hahaha xD)

Anyway, the point is, seriously, how can you disagree with Gandhi? I must say - he must have a point! You know what? To a certain degree, I think that I agree with him.

Especially when he said this -

Your Christians are so unlike your Christ

It seems that very often people say "you're a Christian, you must act this way" or even "Oh, are all Malaysians like you?" Like it or not, on this earth, we are ambassadors. Ambassadors of our country, our family, a certain ideal, or all of the above!

So what makes someone, someone? (If that makes any sense at all)

The Bible says in John 13:34-35

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Here's the crunch line - Many Christians are not like Christ! And that's sad, considering the word "Christian" was a play on words, kinda meaning "little Christs" (think Christ Jr.)

So what makes someone "Christian"?

In short, LOVE.

I just hope...

I just hope that if someday, someone asks...

I'm not too unlike Christ =S

And if I am, tell me why, and i'd love to know why and how I can improve. Please =O

God bless!

His,

MALCOLM

2 and a Half Months...

Maybe it's just the stress of the exams.

Maybe it's the change in the weather.

Maybe it's just the Christmas season that's approaching.

I walked into the Royal on Gordon today. In case you didn't know, I volunteer there now. I call Bingo. I came to discuss my schedule and some other issues with the person in charge of programs, Kara Thomas. While waiting for her, I heard the organ playing, so after meeting up with Kara, I went to investigate. Turns out, it's John Eccles. Pretty famous guy, he's got his own hall in UofG. Had fun talking to him. Promised I'll see him again and tell him about the Prince of Wales and the Repulse...

Maybe it's just that simple piano songs remind me.

I called Bingo at night, and tonight someone got angry at me. Apparently on behalf of the residents there, they're not "bumbling idiots". Huh. It definitely was my fault. Perhaps I shouldn't have repeated stuff so often. Or maybe I should've called her numbers more. Either way, she didn't win, and no win = unhappiness... I got a little uptight. I wasn't as friendly as I usually was for the last game. I think the other residents could sense that. Sweet, sweet lady gave me this:

Maybe I miss comfort, and a smile that turns a frown upside down.

Another lady told me that I'm doing a great job, and that they love me. Kept repeating "How terrible!" about the person who called me out. She... She does look like her. Too many memories.

Maybe i'm just weak, tired and emotional.

...

Or maybe it's just that I miss her.

It's been 2 and a half months.

Mama, everywhere I look, I still see you. And... And I miss you.

Too much.

Mama, this Christmas, I'm not gonna be with family. I'm not gonna be with friends.

I'll be at the retirement house. I'm not quitting. I'm gonna keep smiling, even at them, the way you liked it, and the way that got you smiling back.

This Christmas, I'm celebrating with the old folks. And i'm celebrating that you're with the birthday Boy. I'm celebrating for you, in your memory too.

Maybe...

Maybe I wanna call you and talk over the phone.

Maybe I miss you more than I care to tell people.

Maybe I do.

His,

MALCOLM

To Mama, a Farewell, Not a Goodbye

To ask me to speak (or write) about the life, and all I remember about my grandma, my Mama into a few minutes (or a few words) is like asking me to write the history of the entire world unto a tiny piece of scrap paper. It simply isn’t possible. And I never will begin to think it is. Yet I shall try my best and write whatever comes to my heart in regards to my beloved Mama.

“Mama very love you, you know?” Those are the words that meant the world to me, and they still do, so much more than anyone could ever know.

For as long as I can remember, Mama was always there. Strongest lady I’ve ever met. Mama and Kongkong loved each other. They’d always get into arguments and Kongkong would let her win. I still remember a squabble they had when I was about 10 or so. Mama said that Kongkong was “siao”(crazy), and Kongkong on the other hand said that Mama was “kurang ajar”(insolent). They loved each other. Now Kongkong and Mama are finally back together again. I’d bet anything that Kongkong missed Mama too much, and asked God to bring her home.

Daddy used to always make fun of her, and she’d always shrug it off. Every single time. Deep down, I know she loved it. She was fun. She loved us all, and even when people made fun of her, she’d just go “cin bo eng” (useless), in the most loving way possible, as my family loved to do.

I remember Mama calling us at home, and when I answered the phone, she’d go “ah miao keng ha?” (that’s how she pronounced Malcolm). I loved it. Or everytime when she’d call mummy in the office, she’d ask “po nek le to ti ko?” (mummy was known as po nek)(where are you?) or “po nek le to opik ha?”( you’re in the office?) Do correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe she was also the person in the family who started the whole point of saying “he (sounds like hair)” among my mother and her brothers and sisters. Even today you can still hear them saying that when they talk to each other.

My cousins will all agree with me on this next point – we always say that Mama was “so cute!” She didn’t know very much English at all, but what she lacked of in quantity she more than made up for in quality. Plus she possessed (arguably) the greatest confidence of anyone her age. When she was full, she’d say “a bad word” (ask the cousins or myself if you want to find out what this is). There’s also a story about “funny, letchego” but again, ask the family. As such, so many phrases in our family were actually coined by Mama.

Mama was very opinionated about things and when she hated something, she hated it with a passion. When she loved something though, I’m convinced that no force on Earth could possibly stop her from getting it. I was blessed to be on the receiving end of her love. At one point of time, she followed a Chinese drama on TV (it aired every night from 10-11, I believe) and if ANYONE were to call during that time, she’d ignore the phone. Best part of it, she even WARNED us that she was going to do it. Yet I can remember that once, not realizing the time, I called from Canada during that time, and yet she took some time off her show to talk to me. Granted, it wasn’t the longest chat in the world, but she did. And I never will forget that.

The truth is, I might have seen this coming. While I was on a missions trip to North Africa, I got word that Mama wasn’t feeling too good. I begged God to allow me to see Mama, and not to take her home yet. He did. I spent every week of the summer going up to JB to see Mama, and those were some of the best memories of a few personal times I’ve had with Mama.

Mama was a great storyteller. Just over the holidays, she told me stories about her family, how she used to speak/read Japanese, and how her family ran a convenience store during the Japanese occupation. She also told me something that possibly not many people knew about, that her father was Baba. Even mummy never knew that. I felt super proud, super special to know that.

One of the things I miss (and will continue to miss the most) is her smile. The last few times I saw her, she was really down. She wasn’t too well. And I could tell. But every single time I looked into her eyes and smiled at her, she’d look back at me and smile, with the brightest, truest and most loving smile you’d ever see. And at that very moment, just for awhile, everything would seem normal again. All the chatter about her being unwell would die down, the fact that she wasn’t holding her food wouldn’t bother me. At that split moment, she was just Mama. My Mama.

If I were to write every single story regarding Mama and the effects that she’s had on my life and that of my extended family, all of you would be sitting here for days! If you ask me personally though, I’ll tell you stories, great stories of my lovely grandmother.

And hey, you can say that I’m selfish, I don’t care. But I really really rather have the grandma that I love back in Malaysia waiting for me when I come home for the holidays rather than in Heaven. I guess it just wasn’t fair to keep her away from Kongkong for so long.

“Mama very love you, you know?” I’m sorry Mama, I never had the chance to let you know. I love you more. Always have, always will. I’ll be waiting for the day when I see you again, back with Kongkong, at the Pearly Gates. Meet me there.