Saturday, March 30, 2013

I Woke Up This Morning, Wishing I Never Did.

I woke up this morning, wishing I never did.

Going to sleep last night was bad enough already. I still can't believe it. What happened yesterday - there's no way it could possibly be true. I stared at my hands, and buried my face deep within them.

How did they... Why did he...

Arrrgggghhhh! Darn tears! Have I not had enough of you over the last 2 days?

This was unfair. Totally, utterly, and completely unfair! all these years following him, and he just... They just...

Wasn't it just 2 days ago when we were sitting at the table together enjoying a meal? All the brothers were together, and we were all having such a blast...

Come to think of it, that was a weird night too. What did he mean by "this is my body"? And why in the world would he wash our feet? We walked around quite a bit that day looking for this Passover place he specified.

Curses, Jude! What was he thinking? He was one of us! Heck, he was better than most of us! He knew the law better than any one of us! He even held our funds! Our rations! To think that I even went up to him and asked him questions when I was confused about the law...

Wait - When Rabbi said "go do it quickly" to Jude - did he...? No. No way. No freaking way.

But didn't he know? Didn't he always know? Like the time we went to get food for him while we were in Samaria? And he didn't want any? It's almost like he just wanted us to leave for awhile...

Or what about that time he called me? How'd he know to tell us to throw down our nets to that side of the boat? How did those fish get there? I left everything that day - everything. I wonder how the fishing business is going. Did Joey take over the business? Probably. What did Rabbi mean by "fishers of men" anyway?

Pete always rushed headfirst. He really needs to learn to think things through.Wait, how did Rabbi know about Pete betraying him?

... How did he know about us all betraying him?

He was supposed to save us!

What was I thinking? Johnny and I, asking about sitting at his side at the throne and stuff? What do we have now?

Darned tears. Darn you! I'm so ashamed. So very ashamed. Forgive me, Rabbi. I'm a useless disciple. One of his "main three"?

A coward. That's what I am.

Pete's probably still out somewhere crying. I think we all are.

It's Sabbath, huh? That's probably a good thing. I'm not leaving this bed. Not today. Not going to work. Like it makes a difference. Left it for too long already.

I'm confused. So confused. So very confused.

Wish you were... Still here... Jesus.